Relationships...

I don't talk about my personal life much on here but why not... :)

This may be TMI but Idk... wanted to get it out there.

Ever since I was 16 years old, I've pretty much been in a relationship except for a gap of a few months. I dated this guy Patrick from when I was 16 til I was 22. He was my first serious boyfriend and high school sweet heart. After graduation he joined the Marines and we slowly grew apart. I was mad at him for some time when we first broke up b/c it felt like he kept pushing me away and I thought he should have just broken up with me if he didn't want to be with me anymore. Eventually it became too much and I ended it. I was hurt for some time but now it's been just over 2 years later and I talk to him occasionally and everything is peachy. That was a good relationship though. We had lots of good times throughout the years and I'm glad I had such a good boyfriend and friend at the time.

After him I was single for a whopping 4 months before I started talking to this guy Josh that was a friend of my cousin's fiance. I should have known he was trouble from the start. Like a month after Patrick and I split up, I started talking to Josh through Facebook messenger and then eventually on the phone. He had to go back to NY for "family issues" which he told me about a month or 2 later that he went there to go to rehab. That should have been my first red alert. But I was so shocked at his honesty and how he was opening up to me that I thought things could work out. I figured after rehab fixes his drug and alcohol problems, he'll be 100% fine. I never really had experience with that lifestyle and those kind of people so I was pretty naive. We talked a lot over the next few months and I grew to love him before I even really met him in person. Then he finally came down to visit in August 2009. He was great... funny, sweet, cute, fun to hang around. He visited a few more times before he moved in with me in early October. Things seemed to go great.

Well he didn't have a job or anything so I was supporting him which at the time I didn't mind til he found something. But one lousy job after another came and went. He was always asking me for money to "pay his bills" like storage and insurance. We started fighting all the time but he told me that's what normal couples did. Though I didn't agree. Over the first 6 months of us dating he asked to "borrow" about $5000+ total (I added it up) for bills and whatnot. None of this ever went to his bills. His storage locker was auctioned off, his car insurance lapsed, so did his registration, etc. All of 2010 was spent in vicious cycles of him getting into drugs and me having to monitor money, valuables, the phone bill, etc. I felt like his mother and was so stressed out all the time. But I loved him so I thought it was worth all this BS. Then in Nov he took his daughter for the weekend and when he took her back to her mom's house, he fled to NY after taking the $500 I had in the bank account. The next week was hell trying to get ahold of him and he was calling me upset and scared and blah blah blah. Eventually I talked him into going to his aunt's house and getting her to help him get into rehab. He started back up rehab and I started seeing improvements. I was going to end it after his little running away adventure but I thought that maybe he could change. But I had seen it one too many times but was still blind to it. He was always getting better then going into a downward spiral of lies, deceit, drug and alcohol use. He always hid it from me but I'd find out about it after the fact. And he'd come up with extravagant stories to play off all the coincidences I would see (like missing money or him missing work...).

He was doing good in rehab until around New Years 2011... he came and visited me and we had a great weekend and it kind of rekindled my love for him... stupid me. The coming months he started cheating on me when he was back in NY and he left his rehab program 1/2 way through it. It was a horrible break up and lots of fighting and him playing mind games. Lots of drama. I damaged a lot of friendships along the way believing him over my friends... luckily I have great friends who forgave me for it all. But I don't know if I can ever forgive him for all the heartache he's put me through. I'm so over him and don't ever want to see or hear about him again. One thing I learned from this... once an addict, always an addict. I never want to date someone again like that. NEVER EVER AGAIN!

Going through this makes it hard to trust people and I'm kinda scared to start a new relationship. I want one but I don't want to be hurt again like that. So this year, I'm not going to worry about finding a boyfriend and spend the time being single and enjoying it. I'm going to work on a new me and spend lots of well needed time with the friends and family. :) If a nice guy comes along in the meantime, yay! But I'm not going to worry about finding one.

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